...for Sharalyn, our new roommate. I couldn't have asked for a more different replacement for Sarah, but at the same time, I don't think I could have asked for a better replacement! Love you already, Sharalyn!
...For how this just confirms to me again how it is when God works on His time, not mine. And when it's God's time, it just fits so beautifully.
...For last night. It was clear, cold. The thin sliver of moon shone out over the Christmas tree farm and the stars looked so clear and different than they do in the winter. Fierce, almost touchable. The cold haze glowed on the horizon.
...For the beginnings of an answer to prayer. Did you know that I've pretty much never had confidence in playing piano? Kinda ironic when you figure I majored in piano in college. I'm becoming more aware that this lack of confidence is the chasm that separates me from being the kind of player I could potentially be. I didn't realize how much negative self-talk I gave into when I'm playing. Pretty much my internal commentary during practice goes something like: "You're making a mistake. It's not good enough. You can't make that run. You aren't able to play those octaves or those chords. You aren't ever going to be able to play that right. You aren't ever going to be able to play it up to speed...." On and on. This made me make more mistakes and then contributed to the horrible tension problem I have in my playing. I didn't even realize this is what was going on in my head! So I prayed about it! Why did I wait like 10 years to pray about this? I prayed that God would give me confidence in my playing. I think maybe I was afraid to pray this because I thought that confidence=arrogance and this is simply not true. The confidence from God is a confidence in what I am able to do because God has gifted me. It's a confidence in the Lord. And it was really cool, yesterday I couldn't stay away from the piano! I haven't been this stoked about practicing since I was a junior in high school! And the music started to flow. The tension left. The songs started getting "into" my hands. And then, I'm starting to pray whenever those negative words creep into my head. I'm just saying, "Lord, help!" Can't begin to explain the difference it makes. It's not a cure, but a process and I feel like things are actually going forward instead of staying the same.
...For a longer-term direction in life. My dear friend Melissa came over last night and we were talking about where we felt God was taking us, and I shared with her how last year, I felt that God was calling me to be content where I was and to go deeper. So last year I really focused on investing in my friends and getting more involved in my church and doing things in the context I was in. But after the new year, I really feel the Lord pulling me in a different direction. I'm not as content in my church right now and even not super content to stay put here in my hometown. I'm not sure why, but I think it's the beginning of a process towards a change in my life. Then all of a sudden, the thought of going to grad school that I've flirted with for the past 3 years has started to become a real goal. My piano teacher is starting to work with me to help me get an audition for next spring together (a year from now). I'm excited about the pieces: a Chopin Ballade, a Bach French Suite, and possibly a Prokofiev Sonata. Big stuff (except maybe the Bach), super cool stuff. Right now I'm thinking about Portland State but we'll see where God leads. Or maybe this is just a place to be for now and I won't actually go. At least it's giving me a vision for the next 3 years or so and maybe this restlessness I'm feeling is getting me ready to uproot to Portland for awhile. Who knows.
...For running! I'm training for my first marathon (eeep!!!!), so far training is going great. Ran my first "real" long run last weekend at 11 miles and hope to make 12 this weekend. My friend Jen's younger brother has been running with me once as week, and that's been great because he's going to be in the Marines so that means that we run FAST, or actually he runs really slow and I pant to keep up. I feel like a puffing armadillo with him, but the challenge is super and it also sounds really cool to say, "I just went running with a Marine". Just so long as they don't post the video on facebook, my hardcore image is preserved.
...For a new haircut that has given me a new outlook on life! I just chopped basically all my hair off. It's never been this short before. I just went in and did it. At first, I was ready to cry because i thought it looked horrible and ugly. I felt like I no longer knew myself. Also, I guess I secretly thought my long hair has been the one pretty and schmexy thing about myself and then it was taken away, leaving me as some kind of matronly/adolescent/unisex creature that can only attract puny little nervous nerd guys with full-on beards and tucked-in button up shirts. I'm starting to live with it now - it's helping me discover a new aspect to my personality (how introspective can ya get??) and maybe I won't be stuck with the puny nerd guy after all. I think I can pull "cute" off better with short hair so that's a plus.
Thankful for a lot,
Karen
Bring on the god of cake!! (if you don't recognize the reference, don't bother...)
